Beware: Logic is not always logical when it comes to pepperoni and seagulls

Date: 
04/07/2018
Seagull1

Though it took Nick Burchill 17 years to confess to an innocent but bad decision he made while staying in the Fairmont Empress Hotel in Victoria, BC., he has received a pardon and his lifetime ban from the hotel has been lifted.

To really understand the conundrum Canadian Burchill faced, put yourself in this situation:

  • You have just started a new job
  • Your employer is hosting a customer conference at the Empress Hotel
  • The event is your first with the company
  • Before leaving for the conference your Canadian Naval Reserve buddies ask that you return home with the local Halifax delicacy,  "Brother's Pepperoni"
  • You purchase enough sausage to feed all hands on an entire ship and put it in your suitcase which the airlines misplaces
  • When the suitcase is returned to you in your fourth floor front-facing nicely decorated hotel room the next day, there is no refrigerator in which to store the contents
  • Brilliantly, you decide that the chilly April weather affords the opportunity to open one of the windows a bit and place your purchases on a table and the window sill
  • It is a lovely day, so you take a four to five hour walk 
seagull2

OK, so you have returned to your room. Here is how Burchill relays the rest of the experience…

I remember walking down the long hall and opening the door to my room to find an entire flock of seagulls in my room. I didn’t have time to count, but there must have been 40 of them and they had been in my room, eating pepperoni for a long time.

In case you were wondering, Brothers’ TNT Pepperoni does NASTY things to a seagull’s digestive system. As you would expect, the room was covered in seagull crap. What I did not realize until then was that Seagulls also drool. Especially when they eat pepperoni.

I’m sure you have an image in your head. Now remember that I have just walked into the room and startled all of these birds. They immediately started flying around and crashing into things as they desperately tried to leave the room through the small opening by which they had entered.

Less composed seagulls are attempting to leave through the other CLOSED windows. The result was a tornado of seagull excrement, feathers, pepperoni chunks and fairly large birds whipping around the room. The lamps were falling. The curtains were trashed. The coffee tray was just disgusting.

I waded through the birds and opened the remaining windows. Most of the gulls left immediately. One tried to re-enter the room to grab another piece of pepperoni and in my agitated state, I took off one of my shoes and threw it at him.

Both the gull and the shoe went out the window.

By this time, I was down to one gull left in the room, but it was a big one, and it didn’t want to leave.

As I chased it, it ran around the room with a big hunk of pepperoni in its gob.

In a moment of clarity, I grabbed a bath-towel and jumped it. It stated to freak-out so I wrapped it in the towel and threw it out of the window.

I had forgotten that Seagulls cannot fly when they are wrapped in a towel.

This is all happening fairly quickly and this is mid-afternoon. The Empress hosts a very famous and very popular “High Tea”. I suspect this is where the large group of tourists was heading when they were struck by first my shoe, then a bound-up seagull (the seagull was unharmed, by the way).

Let’s go back to my little housekeeping issue. The room was BAD. There was a lot of damage.

I was new to my company and I was really trying to make a good impression at this important event. I decided that I would carry on for now and handle this whole thing later. I then realized that I had only a few minutes before an important dinner and that I only had one shoe.

I made my way to one of the side doors and recovered both the shoe and the towel that were laying in some wet soil bear the walking path. The shoe was a mess. I took it back to the room. By this time, I had close the windows and the air was becoming quite ripe with the smell of digested pepperoni and fish.

I went into the washroom and rinsed the mud off of my shoe. It cleaned-up nicely, but now I had one wet, dark shoe, and one dry, light coloured shoe.

In retrospect, I should have just wet the dry shoe. Instead, I choose to dry the wet shoe using the little hairdryer. It was actually doing quite well. I had the hairdryer jammed in there and the shoe was drying quite nicely. Then, the phone rang.

I walked into the next room to answer it and the power goes off. It turns-out that the hairdryer had vibrated free of the shoe and fallen into the sink full of water and the GFI didn’t seem be 100% functional. I don’t know how much of the hotel’s power I knocked-out, but at that point I decided I needed help.

I called the front desk and asked for someone to come help me clean-up a mess. I can still remember the look on the lady’s face when she opened the door. I had absolutely no Idea what to tell her, so I just said “I’m sorry” and I went to dinner. When I came back, my things had been moved to a much smaller room.

I thought that was the end of it all until I was told that my company had received a letter banning me from the Empress. A ban that I have respected for almost 18 years.

I have matured and I admit responsibility for my actions. I come to you, hat-in-hand to apologise for the damage I had indirectly come to cause and to ask you reconsider my lifetime ban from the property.

I hope that you will see fit to either grant me a pardon, or consider my 18 year away from the empress as “time served”.

Thank you very much for your consideration.

The day after his Facebook confession and request for a pardon, Burchill received a verbal pardon from the Empress Manger, Ryan.

"I bet it was the pound of Brothers Pepperoni that I gave them as a peace offering that did the trick," said Burchill.

NBurchill

 

*ClipArtQueen source of seagull cartoons

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